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“And then the lover,
Sighing like a furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his Mistress’ eyebrow.”Jaques, As You Like It, William Shakespeare
Like Shakespeare’s twitterpated lover, I am inclined to wax poetic and lusty about a well-shaped brow. Sure, the eyes may be the window to the soul – but it’s the eyebrows that signal what kind of spirit dwells within. Playful or pleading – vengeful or vain – lustful or longing. Eyebrows are a hirsute magical slash that transforms a pleasant enough face into something otherworldly.
I have had a thing for eyebrows for as far back as I can remember.
I’m guessing it had something do with this guy:
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*sigh*
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In high school and college, my poor guy friends often found themselves subject to my “grooming” help – a.k.a., any excuse to run my fingers over their lovely eyebrows. To be fair, they all had what I call sexbrows – thick, dark, perfectly shaped eyebrows that make you wanna do inappropriate things like lick your friends repeatedly on the face. An urge I resisted. Mostly.
While gathering the goods for this post (which is a shameless excuse to pic spam beautiful men with beautiful sexbrows), I took a little walk down memory lane and concluded that my fixation *cough* fetish *cough* with eyebrows can be traced to three prime suspects.
Suspect No. 1: Matt Dillon
Lord have mercy on my prepubescent soul, but how was wee nipper me supposed to resist this?
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As an aside, I’m pretty sure that Little Darlings was my first exposure to femme slash. I mean, he makes a very attractive girl.
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But, I digress. The point here is that Matt Dillon and his insane sexbrows left a deep and lasting impression in my pants on me.
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Suspect No. 2: Jake Ryan
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If you spent any part of your formative years in the 80’s, there’s a high likelihood you wanked a time or two to Jake Ryan and his fuckhot fuzzy caterpillar eyebrows. Just me?
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Hnnnnnng. I would elaborate, but that would take typing and my hands are otherwise occupied.
*whispers* You know who else has majestic fuzzy caterpillar eyebrows?
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BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. The sound of my DOOM.
Suspect No. 3: [TW – overdose, sadness, heart pangs] River Phoenix
I was stone cold crazy insane about River Phoenix. Ethereal beauty combined with an artistic sensibility and fragility that made me want to connect with his characters despite their vanity and ego and flaws. River was a gift and a joy to behold. And, wow, he had the most delicate-but-razor-sharp eyebrows. For young me, it was love at first arch.
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Shorn like a jarhead for his role as a marine in Dogfight (his best role, IMO – and if you haven’t seen it – I implore you to do so post haste), River and his lovely brows brought the intensity…
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And maaaaajor woo:
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That’s the eyebrow version of side-boob, btw. And did I mention the woo?
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*screams into fists*
But, enough about my formative years. There’s a lot of beautifully browed ground we need to cover.
Let’s start off easy here, shall we?
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Did I say easy? Aw, whoopsie daisy. I meant hotasthesunsexbrowsgoddamn. Zayn Malik, blessed by all the gods and goddesses everywhere with these fine ass eyebrows.
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The rest of him is passable as well.
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In general, all the lads of 1D have a strong brow game.
Liam’s got the teddy bear brow down. Bring that brow over here and give Mama a cuddle, luvie.
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And then there’s Niall. You think what you like about the sunshiny Irish, but the truth is, Niall’s a master of The Naughty Brow.
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Me too, cupcake. Me too.
And Louis, who always gets called out about his bitch brow…
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Is actually blessed with Sweet Baby Angel Brows.
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Gaaaaaaaah. I mean.
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And last (but if you know me, you better settle in for a spell), there’s Harry.
Harry is perhaps best known for being a total cupcake.
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Which is why it’s so amazing that he gives the most intense, furrowed SRS BSNS Sexy Brow.
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GTFO of here with those brows, kid! Some of us are trying to…honestly I don’t even remember what I’m doing here.
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*lies down*
It’s time for a Rapid Fire Brow Round Up before I die of Harry Styles Sexbrow complications.
3…2…1…goooOOO!
Pana Hema Taylor, a.k.a. Nasir, a.k.a. Jupiter Himself Would Have Cause To Tremble If He Laid Eyes On These Sexbrows
Pana is New Zealand’s gift to me.
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Nasir is the gods’ gift to Agron.
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Let’s play that back again a smidge closer.
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Karl “Jesus Wept Brow” Urban
Karl’s puppy dog brows are the absolute worst/best.
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BURN EVERYTHING. BURN IT ALL DOWN.
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Uh, lady…you are missing the point here entirely.
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Legolas gets it, though. Me too, Legolas. Me too.
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Tom “Ultimate Extreme Brow Bae” Mison
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Tom gives it to you good from every angle. I mean what.
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Tyler Hoechlin
We’ve discussed him already way up top. These brows, I STG. He is a soul stealer.
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And this shit right here ought to be illegal.
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You all deserve a gratuitous Tyler wang pic just for suffering through this with me.
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Teen Wolf Brow Sandwiches
The Double Meat is tasty.
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But make mine a triple decker.
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Zayn “Back Again Brows” Malik
AW.
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WHOOPSEY.Image may be NSFW.
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DAISEY.
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Jim “Brow Down Before The One You Serve” Sturgess
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LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT, BABE.
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*whew*
Now, we come to the grand finale. And I have saved the Best Brow Bae for last. There is in my humble but extensively researched opinion literally no one who gives better brow than this man.
Nico Mirallegro, or as I call him, “Oh, oh, oh, Nico!”
The Sweet Brow
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The Silly Brow
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The Chancer Brow
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The Serious Brow
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The Animal Lover and His Bulldog Brow
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And, lastly – and you’re gonna want to sit down for this…
The I’m Going To Need More Than Seven Minutes In Heaven Brow
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Like, I’m Going To Need A Lifetime, Okay Brow
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And, with that, friends, I am spent. This is by no means a comprehensive list of all of the beautiful brows out there so please feel free to share your favs in the comments.
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